I'm having a tough time keeping my emotions and thoughts in place. My mind wanders, my heart's so heavy, my face has to keep lying to the world, to keep putting on a smile just so people won't ask if I'm alright. I'm confused. I want people to care, but then I shut them out. I don't want it to be another Jeremy incident. I don't want to have close friends whom I need to watch pass away, and I still haven't gotten over it and probably never will. Even until today, I think of Jeremy and Aunty Nat daily, and sometimes I do feel their presence, but I do miss them being physically here with me. Their hugs, their smiles, their laughters, their nagging/scolding(heh), their pinchable faces, their shoulders I know so well, everything. People tend to ask me why I'm okay with talking about Jem and My Aunt. Maybe talking's a way for me to live in denial that they're still alive. Maybe talking's a way to make me believe what I said about them being on holiday somewhere else. Maybe talking about it actually takes away a bit of the pain. Both the ways they passed away was so tragic. I don't know how Jem felt in his last moments, did he get a flashback of his 24 years? Was I in his memory? Was I one of his better friends, not bothering about the age difference? Does he miss messing up my hair just as much as I miss him doing it? Does he regret anything? What were his last wishes? I regret so many things, that I never got the chance to tell him how much I love him, how much I care. That I never knew what were his last wishes, that I wasn't there with him in Cambodia, that I didn't call him so that I could concentrate on the participants in camp at that time. Was I being selfish? I Miss Jem, I can't believe that he really bought birks from Cambodia for me, and I can't believe that that note was the last, I can't believe I actually told him, "Go and die lah!", Jokingly or seriously, either way, it's horrible.

Aunty Nat, I hope you're happier in Heaven, I hope you see Adam, Moses, Esther and all the other people from the bible that you always dreamt of seeing, and of course, Our Almighty God :-) I'm glad you didn't suffer any pain when you passed away, but that still doesn't take away any single bit of pain since five years ago. How could you leave the world, do you know how many people are crying for you? Do you know how screwed up the family is? I need you here, I need you to comfort me, to hold me, to let me know everything's gonna turn out just okay, to reassure me that you'll be here. You once told me you'll be here, in the good times and the bad, for me. I'd give almost anything to have you back here, even though I know it's not possible. I regret not spending as much time as I would have liked to, with you. I regret not talking to you every day, I regret not spending every single waking minute with you, I regret arguing with you about the renovation of your house(even if it was playful arguments!), I regret not listening to you at times, I regret refusing to and buy dinner for you and would watch the telly instead, I regret that I haven't told you I love you enough, That I haven't held you close enough, that I didn't visit you during the past month of your life, that I haven't smelt your smell for five years, that we spent the last National day of your life, at home instead of the parade, like you wanted. I regret a lot of other things, and I Miss You, so much so that my heart and my head hurts whenever I miss you. I know you're happier in Heaven, and please watch over Uncle Rick :-) He must be feeling so lonely under all that exuberant exterior. I know, I've been battling that facade for ever so long. I Love You.

I've done my best to get over Jem, Aunty Nat and Radia but I've failed so badly. And Honestly, I feel so much regret that I wasn't a good friend to Radia. Or rather, I really never bothered to ask about her life, to ask her how she was feeling, to ask her if she was okay, if she needed a friend, needed a shoulder to cry on, needed someone to talk to. No, she wasn't a good friend, but she was a classmate and it's hard to live with people you know passing away one after another. I feel horrible that I really cared about the clique and a few others in class, Radia not being one of them. I want to know her, I want to know the real person under that happy exterior. I want to know her pain, her suffering and share the good and bad times with her but it's all impossible. I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do, My hand, My Mind and My Heart's failing me. I didn't think I'd write about this, I was supposed to write about 07 and 08 but my hand started, my heart lead.


From the heart, Radia, Aunty Nat, Jem, I Miss you three. So many unfinished things, unfinished promises, unfinished talks, but well, I'll see you in Heaven :-)